Women's Issues

Sometimes people get Mormons confused with the Amish. They are under the false impression that we don’t use electricity (watch me blog!), that the women must wear dark, floor length skirts, or cover our heads at all times. Because most people know that we do not drink or smoke, they often wonder if that means we also discourage other things like dancing. Sometimes people are under the false assumption that Mormons still practice polygamy and they think that Mormon women are oppressed and kept at home barefoot and pregnant, with no education.

I can’t speak for every woman who is a member of the Church of Jesus Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But this is what my experience has been as an LDS woman.

The prophet has encouraged me to get an education—to learn things that are personally satisfying and enriching and also things that will be economically useful if it’s needed. I have been counseled that marriage is ordained of God and that the commandment to multiply and replenish is still in effect. And once the children arrive, I have been taught that it is the main duty of mothers to nurture their children and that this is best accomplished through staying at home with them and not working outside the home except in special circumstances.

The men in the church are taught to respect and revere women. The prophet condemns the abuse of women mentally, verbally, physically or sexually.

We condemn most strongly abusive behavior in any form. We denounce the physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse of one’s spouse or children. Our proclamation on the family declares: “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. … Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs. … Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations” (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

We are doing all we know how to do to stamp out this terrible evil. When there is recognition of equality between the husband and the wife, when there is acknowledgment that each child born into the world is a child of God, then there will follow a greater sense of responsibility to nurture, to help, to love with an enduring love those for whom we are responsible.

No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church. (Gordon B. Hinckley, “What Are People Asking about Us?,” Ensign, Nov 1998, 70)

Women are encouraged to dress modestly. Generally this means that skirts and shorts should come to the knees, shoulders should be covered, and that our clothing should cover more than it reveals. The purpose of modesty is to show respect for our God and ourselves. And within those guidelines, we are free to choose whatever styles and colors we like.

It is true that we do not drink alcohol or use any type of tobacco. But it seems that Mormons love to dance! There are stake dances for the youth, dances for the college students, and even for the adults from time to time. Anytime you see Mormons dancing you are likely to see whatever the latest dance fads are as well as swing and ballroom styles.

Each ward usually has social activities for children, youth, and adults. I love the feeling at ward activities when babies are passed around so moms and dads can eat. Being an LDS woman means that almost anywhere in the world you could go, there is a social network set up where you can find friends, love and assistance. We celebrate birthdays, Easter and Christmas in our various ways around the world. Each country has its own holidays that its congregations observe, too.

Being a Mormon woman means that we are called upon to bring meals in to people who are sick or to families who have just had a new baby. It means visiting other women from month to month and sharing our testimonies and strengthening experiences with each other. It means making quilts and school kits to donate to those who need them and being part of an incredible world-wide organization that relieves suffering.

A Mormon woman tries to be frugal and self-sufficient. This might include baking her own bread, sewing her own clothes, budgeting well, being a savvy shopper or trying to have a 3-month supply of food and necessities on hand in case of difficult times or natural disasters.

It means avoiding objectionable movies, music, and books and being careful and watchful with the internet in our homes. Sometimes our standards put us in awkward situations. But those are often the best teaching moments when we get to share why these things are important to us and how the gospel gives us peace. And sharing those thigns bring us joy.

A Mormon woman has opportunities within the church to lead and teach and instruct. We attend our Relief Society meetings and strive to be a little bit better every day. We try to study the word of God and apply it in the difficult situations we face daily. We try to develop a personal relationship with God through personal prayer. And then turn around and teach these things to our families through family prayer, family scripture study and family home evenings.

Sometimes being a Mormon woman means crying a bit when you feel like you just aren’t doing as good a job as you should. There are heartaches and struggles and pain. But there is also the pouring of our hearts out to God and relying on the Atonement of Jesus Christ to wash away our sins and make our weaknesses strengths and turn our sorrows to sweetness. Then we get up off of our knees and dig back in with all our might, feeling known and comforted.

Being a Mormon woman usually means being very busy! But the work is rewarding and the personal growth is satisfying. Though there are sacrifices to be made, the blessings of a generous God are always abundant. There is so much peace and joy in being a Mormon woman.

You know, I have to admit that much of how I think of myself as a woman--and to be honest, about womanhood in general--is wrapped in the idea of being a wife and mother. I met my husband when I was 19 and married him when I was 20. Before I was 22, I had my first baby. All but 2 of my years as a woman have coincided with my years as a wife and mother.

And yet, I know that there must be more to Womanhood than being a wife and mother. Lately, I’ve been wondering what exactly that is? What are the characteristics and purposes that we as women, as daughters of God and sisters in the gospel, share despite our family circumstances? What makes a woman a woman?

We know from the Proclamation on the Family that we were created in the image of God and that we are daughters “of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” But what exactly does that mean? What are the innate characteristics of being feminine that existed in us even before we had bodies? And what does being female have to do with our identity and purpose? In order to answer these questions, I’ve collected a few quotes.

Our prophet has said:

Woman is God’s supreme creation.Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.

Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth. (“Our Responsibility to Our Young Women,” Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11.)

President James E. Faust has said:

I wonder if you sisters fully understand the greatness of your gifts and talents and how all of you can achieve the “highest place of honor” in the Church and in the world. One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.

One of your particular gifts is your feminine intuition. Do not limit yourselves. As you seek to know the will of our Heavenly Father in your life and become more spiritual, you will be far more attractive, even irresistible. You can use your smiling loveliness to bless those you love and all you meet, and spread great joy. Femininity is part of the God-given divinity within each of you. It is your incomparable power and influence to do good. You can, through your supernal gifts, bless the lives of children, women, and men. Be proud of your womanhood. Enhance it. Use it to serve others. (James E. Faust, “Womanhood: The Highest Place of Honor,” Ensign, May 2000, 95)

On fulfilling our God-given purposes, Mary Ellen Smoot has said:

Each of us has a vital role, even a sacred mission to perform as a daughter in Zion. … It is our destiny to rejoice as we fill the earth with greater kindness and gentleness, greater love and compassion, greater sympathy and empathy than have ever been known before. It is time to give ourselves to the Master and allow Him to lead us into fruitful fields where we can enrich a world filled with darkness and misery” (“Rejoice, Daughters of Zion,” Ensign, Nov. 1999, 94).

“I suggest that you … humbly ask the Lord what he would have you do and why you are uniquely suited to serve. Ask yourself questions like these: ‘What can I contribute?’ ‘Why was I chosen to be the mother of these children?’ ‘What can I do to strengthen the sisters in my ward?’ and so forth. We each have purpose and reason for being. Every sister has a thread to weave in the tapestry of time. Discover your thread and begin to weave” (Relief Society, the Possible Dream [address delivered at the 1998 Brigham Young University women’s conference]). (“Finding Nobility in Motherhood and Joy in Womanhood,” Ensign, Jul 2002, 71)

Elder M. Russell Ballard has said:

Every sister in this Church who has made covenants with the Lord has a divine mandate to help save souls, to lead the women of the world, to strengthen the homes of Zion, and to build the kingdom of God. Sister Eliza R. Snow (1804–87), the second general president of the Relief Society, said that “every sister in this church should be a preacher of righteousness … because we have greater and higher privileges than any other females upon the face of the earth” (“Great Indignation Meeting,” Deseret Evening News, 15 Jan. 1870, 2).

Every sister who stands for truth and righteousness diminishes the influence of evil. Every sister who strengthens and protects her family is doing the work of God. Every sister who lives as a woman of God becomes a beacon for others to follow and plants seeds of righteous influence that will be harvested for decades to come. Every sister who makes and keeps sacred covenants becomes an instrument in the hands of God. (M. Russell Ballard, “Women of Righteousness,” Ensign, Apr 2002, 66–73)

As daughters of a Heavenly King, it seems clear that in order for women to fulfill their roles and purposes in the gospel and on the earth that we needed special talents and blessings. To some degree or other, and based specifically on the tasks that we need to accomplish in our life, we women have been endowed with special power from on high: kindness, gentleness, capacity to love, compassion, empathy, feminine intuitions, creativity, charm, graciousness, natural grace, dignity, quiet strength, and more.

We need only look at the world around us to know that these very qualities are sorely in need. And whether we are single, married, widowed, divorced, mothers, grandmothers or not, we are part of a great sisterhood with a weighty work to accomplish. The specific role the Lord would have each of us play is something that we will have to prayerfully seek out. But one of the greatest clues in discovering our individual missions is to carefully take a look at the gifts he has given us and see how we can best apply them. He gave them to us for a reason.

The more I think about this, the more I think it is a waste of time to compare myself to other women. Yes, there are other women who keep a neater home than I do, who are more creative at making Halloween costumes, who are better cooks, who are more organized. Maybe other women look at me and see things that they lack. But rather than mire myself in envy and disappointment, I can rejoice knowing that if there are areas where I fall short, a beloved sister has been given a gift to help me. If there is a battle I feel ill-prepared to fight, I have a sweet spirit sister who will watch my back if I let her. Instead of letting our differences be sources of division, they should knit us in unity and make us stronger.

We women were born to be queens.

When I was younger I didn’t find it too hard to make friends. I had a group of close friends who ate lunch together and hung out on Friday nights. And then I had my one or two very best friends.

But a lot changes when you get married. And even more changes when you have babies. Now, even if I have a free afternoon to go do something with someone, there’s no guarantee that her schedule is equally free. And frankly, there just isn’t always a lot of spare time to invest in relationships — what with the laundry, the dishes, the chauffering and all. And did I mention the laundry?

Which is why I think I’ve often felt lonely and isolated. But Heavenly Father doesn’t intend for us to feel that way. And knowing that God helps those who help themselves, this is how I tackled that very problem several years ago.

We had just moved into a new neighborhood. We had lived in our previous place for a year and I never really made one friend. My husband told me I needed to do something about that and since I also wanted to find a friend, I readily agreed with him. I decided that each Friday I would just call up a sister in our new ward and invite her over for lunch so I could get to know her.

The first Friday lunch was alright. It was a sister who had two small children and the conversation was a little strained and our parenting styles didn’t quite match up. I could tell she was worried about her boys while she was at my house. Still, it was nice to get to know someone. But I wondered whether my Friday lunches were really such a good idea.

As it turns out, our first day in our new ward a man introduced himself to my husband and said, “I think we know you.” This was a man whom I had known way back when before his mission when we were just 18 year old freshmen at college. My husband didn’t know him well, if at all. I did have some vague memories of him and certainly remembered his name. Neither one of us knew his wife who was several years younger than us. It was actually really comforting to think that we had moved so close to people from our hometown.

When we got home, my husband mentioned to me that this husband had taken him aside and talked about how lonely his wife was and what a hard time she was having with their new baby who was less than a month old. I thought about how lonely I was and decided I’d call her up and see if she could come over for lunch the next Friday.

It was one of the most fun and wonderful days I’ve had as a stay-at-home mom just staying home. She came for lunch and we ate together. And then we talked. The conversation moved from the kitchen to the living room and then outside in my backyard. We talked about our hometown and mutual acquaintances and marriage and babies and the gospel. I don’t even know what all we talked about, but I do remembering loving every minute of the conversation. We never seemed to be at a loss for a topic to discuss. She has since told me that she was so worried about staying for so long but was enjoying herself so much and didn’t feel lonely for the first time in a long time.

That lunch lasted for several hours. The friendship has lasted for seven years. Jessica is one of my best friends and we can still talk for hours. Recently I was hospitalized and when I got out of the hospital she dropped by to give me a little plaque she made that says, “A friend is one of the nicest things to have, and one of the best things you can be.” I put it on my refrigerator. My husband came home that evening and saw it and said that was one of the sweetest things. He asked me if Jessica knew how much her friendship meant to us and how much we valued it. He wanted to make sure I was initiating enough phone calls to her (I was, believe me!).

That one act of reaching out a little past my comfort zone has brought me years and years of wonderful companionship, no matter where we've lived and I’m so grateful for that blessing in my life.