Women's Issues

As women of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), we are dedicated to "strengthening marriages, families, and homes." We live in a day when more than 50% of marriages in our country fail, dividing families, and wrecking homes. Latter-day Saint women are not left to their own devices, or the offerings of a crumbling culture, to fortify the marriage, family, and home. We have a prophet and God uses him to help us strengthen our marriages, families, and homes. We also have the Holy Ghost to help us apply this general counsel to our specific family's needs.

I have been working on my Master's Degree in Education. A few days ago, a friend asked about my thesis/project. I shared that as a society, parents have pushed their children into education, with little thought of teaching them how to build a happy marriage, manage family, and home. Education is important, but not to the exclusion of home and family. The result has been high divorce rates, broken homes, and dysfunctional families. Many fathers do not seem to know how to be fathers, many mothers do not seem to know how to be mothers, most struggle with debt, and few know how to maintain a home. I became LDS when I was a senior in high school, and had been raised in a home broken by divorce. The woman I was talking to is a divorcee. She said that her son needed a man in his life to help teach him how to be a man. Then she asked, "Donna, what is the solution?" Though my thesis deals primarily with the lost arts and relationships that were once nurtured in the home, I feel the best solution is found in gospel living.

Where can a person learn what they need to be a better spouse and parent, especially if they were never taught? Some of the resources the Lord has blessed us with are:

The Scriptures teach about healthy family relationships and standards of gospel living, and when the counsel found in scriptures are heeded, bring happiness into our lives.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches us principles of happy families.

General, Stake, and Ward Conferences are where we are taught standards of gospel living and we receive counsel for families, marriages, and relationships.

Relief Society and Young Women’s organizations help women strengthen testimonies through gospel teaching and teach women how to be good daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and neighbors, as well as, skills that can help us with home, family, personal enrichment, and with provident living.

Visiting Teaching is a way to strengthen each other as women and give encouragement to women in their roles as sisters, daughters, wives, mothers, and neighbors.

The Priesthood and Young Men's organizations teach men how to administer the temporal affairs of the God’s Kingdom on earth, and how to be good sons, brothers, husbands, fathers, and neighbors.

Home Teachers can be a great blessing to single mothers, widows, families, and individual women. They teach, assist, and bless.

The Primary organization reinforces the teachings of the home and helps children be better, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, and neighbors.

The home is the schoolroom and laboratory where these core values and skills are learned and refined. The Lord has provided families with additional helps:

The Family Guidebook teaches parents principles of establishing a happy home.

A Parent’s Guide helps parents understand good parenting practices.

The Family Home Evening Resource Manual is an excellent resource for families to use to teach gospel principles in the home, in weekly family home evenings.

With all of these wonderful examples and resources, I feel God’s love and guidance in my life and I feel strengthened and guided to be a better mother.

Who are the women of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and what do they believe about womanhood? I feel that Mary Ellen Smoot, President of the Relief Society, answered these very questions when she introduced the world and the women of the Church to the Relief Society Declaration in a General Relief Society Broadcast held 25 September, 1999. This declaration was in response to “inquiries from outside the Church, and to remind ourselves, the women of the LDS Church, of the grand blessings of womanhood.” I feel that this is a great place to start blogging about women and women’s issues in the LDS Church.

Who are we? “We are beloved spirit daughters of God.” What does it mean to be a spirit daughter of God? God is the literal Father of our spirits and we were created in His image. With God as the literal Father of our spirits, we are all sisters, and that includes being sisters to all of God’s spirit sons.

One usually inherits their potential from their parents, and being daughters of God is no different. We also become daughters of God when we are born again.

“To be a daughter of God means that you are the offspring of Deity, literal descendants of a Divine Father, inheriting godly attributes and potential. To be a daughter of God also means that you have been born again, changed from a “carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness.” (James E. Faust, “What It Means to Be a Daughter of God,” Ensign, Nov 1999, 100)

and

“And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters;” (Mosiah 27:25)

As a daughter of God, we have within us attributes of our Divine parentage. Being creators are one of the most powerful Divine attributes we, as daughters of God, possess, In the Bible we first see Heavenly Father as our Creator.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. (Genesis 1:1)

We, like our Father in Heaven, are creators, as well.

“We are all creators...Creation is one of the characteristics that defines God. He takes matter without form and molds it into stars, planets, and solar systems. “Worlds without number have I created,” He tells us.

Brothers and sisters, we are children of God. Shouldn’t we be about our Father’s business? Shouldn’t we be creators as well?” (Mary Ellen Smoot, “We Are Creators,” Ensign, May 2000, 64)

The question at this point is, what in this world are we creating, as individual daughters of God? What kind of homes are we creating? What kind of communities are we creating? What kind of future are we creating for ourselves and loved ones through the choices we make today? We create both by action and inaction. A choice not to act is still a choice. There is no middle ground.

“If you are unhappy, if you are feeling weary, troubled, or disillusioned, may I ask you to try something? Instead of dwelling on your troubles, focus instead on creating something remarkable, something of eternal significance. Nurture a testimony, strengthen a relationship, write a family history, go to the temple, serve.” (Mary Ellen Smoot, “We Are Creators,” Ensign, May 2000, 64)

I believe that it is within the scope of every daughter of God to live up to the Divine heritage within
each of us, and create something of impact for good.

In future posts, I will explore further the Relief Society Declaration.

There has been a lot said recently about a certain new children’s book. Apparently the whole premise of the book is to prepare a child for their mother’s upcoming plastic surgery. At this point I become very torn. While the nurse in me agrees that children definitely need to be told and kindly taught what is going on with their mother when she undergoes any surgery, the woman in me becomes a bit discouraged. Plastic surgery is a very strange message to be sharing with children, especially when the images and focus of the book is taking a natural, wholesome woman and mother and surgically creating something “beautiful”. Is the child who loves totally and completely supposed to now judge that love based on whether or not the mother is beautiful?

I almost wonder if the woman who is being so critical of herself is perpetuating a dangerous cycle. We already have a huge problem with eating disorders and other physical manipulations as our young teens try to make themselves pretty according to the current standards. How young does a child have to be to realize that the woman who hates her own body and criticizes herself can also be looking at the child in the same way? I used to do some counseling in a teen unit for eating disorders. Do you want to know the number one stated beginning steps toward such destructive behaviors were? Watching their mothers. Whether or not the woman was anorexic herself, she was sending a very clear message to the child that weight and shape, and being able to control those things, were more important than many others. As the teen grew it became more obvious and the woman began including the child in her comparisons. Oh yes, there were many more very serious reasons why these girls were choosing to harm themselves, but the underlying cause for choosing this path rather than another was watching women they admire spend all their time focused on their waistline.

I do realize that there is a definite place in this world for the talents of plastic surgeons. Knowing many who have had to undergo mastectomies, I consider it a great blessing for them to have the option of replacing what has been lost. There are many other valid reasons a woman might contemplate this type of surgery. I don’t think a crooked nose should be one of them. I do not see the need to take what is already beautiful and unique about women and mold it into something else. The image of an ideal woman, physically, is a changeable creature. I think we have let ourselves become a little bit too gullible. The Lord’s views on what makes a woman beautiful have never changed and still today we berate and belittle God’s creation and feel that the world’s standard is the one we should be conforming to.

It’s not just some women; I would dare to say that in this day and age it is most women. I’m just as guilty as most. Most days I never think about my rather fluffy shape or limp hair. I’m too busy living life and finding joy in it. But there are plenty of other days when I’m already frustrated or too focused on myself when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or see a candid photo of myself and think, “ugh, who is that hideous woman”? That’s simply a part of our feminine nature that draws us to beauty. We want to reflect that in ourselves. May I boldly suggest though that we need to judge our own beauty on our Heavenly Father’s view of us, not the world’s?

I’m talking about more than saying someone is "beautiful inside", I’m talking about realizing that when we really are beautiful on the inside what we radiate outside is the most beautiful glow of all. Sure, we have flaws. This is an imperfect world. But it is still full of diversified beauty. The landscape I find beautiful, may not be the same that you appreciate, and that is how it should be. The beauty of our bodies is the same. I have never had someone come up to me and say, “thank you for helping me, but next time don’t come if you’ve got a zit on your chin.” You want to know who was thinking that as they headed out the door? Me. Because Satan did not want me to be an instrument in the Lord’s hands, He did not want me to experience a true joy that has nothing to do with whether or not my jeans fit right.

Below is the well-known poem Audrey Hepburn once quoted when asked to share her ‘beauty tips’.

“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.”

I think I’d like to see more children’s books that teach these concepts and let the plastic surgery one gather dust on the shelf.

An interview with my daughters, ages 13 and 11

What qualities do you think are important in a mother?
Patience, loving, responsible, organized, takes care of kids.

Honesty, kindness, helpfulness, they shouldn't only be selfless. They have to think about themselves, too. Enjoyment in being a mother. Good language.

What is the hardest thing about being a mother?
Having to do everything for the kids when they are younger, like feeding them and making sure that they're not into any trouble and that they are doing safe things.

Having to clean up after kids. Having to make meals.

What is the easiest thing about being a mother?
Getting to be around your kids and getting to know them and becoming closer to them.

Playing with babies.

How would you finish this sentence?
I wish my mother had more time...
To do more activities with the kids.

To play with us.

What is an important gospel principle for mothers to teach daughters?
That having a family is important.

Honesty.

How can a mother best teach that?
Studying scriptures about it and teaching about what would happen if we didn't have families.

Talking to daughters about it and doing it themselves.

How should mothers show that they support their daughters?
Letting them know that they're doing a good job and that it's good that they do it.

Not teasing them hurtfully.

How should mothers get to know their daughters better?
One-on-one talks and going to do mother-daughter activities, things that only they would enjoy like something that focuses on just the two of them and that benefits both of them.

Sit and talk with them sometimes. Spend time with them.

How can mothers help their daughters to dress modestly?
Getting rid of immodest clothes, like clothes that are too small, regularly. And making sure that the clothes they get are modest by coming with them when they go shopping. Teach them the negatives about dressing modestly and what the prophets have taught about dressing modestly.

Buy them modest clothes. Or make them. And talk to them about it.

How can mothers help their daughters gain testimonies of Jesus Christ?
I would think one-on-one scripture study, just the two of them. And praying together and having conversations together about the gospel.

Sharing their testimony with them.

What do mothers expect of daughters that is unreasonable?
The mother telling the daughter to do a series of chores when the daughter might have plans.

To clean a room with somebody who doesn't like to clean.

Among your friends who have good relationships with their mothers, what do you see that makes it work?
The daughters are responsible and mothers are understanding. They both want to make their expectations and plans work out.

They do family activities often. They spend time with each other.