Women's Issues

As women of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), we are dedicated to "strengthening marriages, families, and homes." We live in a day when more than 50% of marriages in our country fail, dividing families, and wrecking homes. Latter-day Saint women are not left to their own devices, or the offerings of a crumbling culture, to fortify the marriage, family, and home. We have a prophet and God uses him to help us strengthen our marriages, families, and homes. We also have the Holy Ghost to help us apply this general counsel to our specific family's needs.

I have been working on my Master's Degree in Education. A few days ago, a friend asked about my thesis/project. I shared that as a society, parents have pushed their children into education, with little thought of teaching them how to build a happy marriage, manage family, and home. Education is important, but not to the exclusion of home and family. The result has been high divorce rates, broken homes, and dysfunctional families. Many fathers do not seem to know how to be fathers, many mothers do not seem to know how to be mothers, most struggle with debt, and few know how to maintain a home. I became LDS when I was a senior in high school, and had been raised in a home broken by divorce. The woman I was talking to is a divorcee. She said that her son needed a man in his life to help teach him how to be a man. Then she asked, "Donna, what is the solution?" Though my thesis deals primarily with the lost arts and relationships that were once nurtured in the home, I feel the best solution is found in gospel living.

Where can a person learn what they need to be a better spouse and parent, especially if they were never taught? Some of the resources the Lord has blessed us with are:

The Scriptures teach about healthy family relationships and standards of gospel living, and when the counsel found in scriptures are heeded, bring happiness into our lives.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches us principles of happy families.

General, Stake, and Ward Conferences are where we are taught standards of gospel living and we receive counsel for families, marriages, and relationships.

Relief Society and Young Women’s organizations help women strengthen testimonies through gospel teaching and teach women how to be good daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and neighbors, as well as, skills that can help us with home, family, personal enrichment, and with provident living.

Visiting Teaching is a way to strengthen each other as women and give encouragement to women in their roles as sisters, daughters, wives, mothers, and neighbors.

The Priesthood and Young Men's organizations teach men how to administer the temporal affairs of the God’s Kingdom on earth, and how to be good sons, brothers, husbands, fathers, and neighbors.

Home Teachers can be a great blessing to single mothers, widows, families, and individual women. They teach, assist, and bless.

The Primary organization reinforces the teachings of the home and helps children be better, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, and neighbors.

The home is the schoolroom and laboratory where these core values and skills are learned and refined. The Lord has provided families with additional helps:

The Family Guidebook teaches parents principles of establishing a happy home.

A Parent’s Guide helps parents understand good parenting practices.

The Family Home Evening Resource Manual is an excellent resource for families to use to teach gospel principles in the home, in weekly family home evenings.

With all of these wonderful examples and resources, I feel God’s love and guidance in my life and I feel strengthened and guided to be a better mother.

I was talking on the phone to a friend several years ago. We were complaining about our husbands and laughing at what seemed to be universal faults with the sex. I was criticizing my own husband and mocking his faults and shortcomings, repeating the same litany of offenses that women on talk shows and in magazines and books seemed to encounter in their own spouses. Why are men like that? Why can’t he see my more perfect point of view and just do things my way? It’s certainly easier than what he’s doing! My friend and I laughed and marveled at the crazy ways of men.

And then I noticed that my young son was listening to me. I quickly re-evaluated my conversation and what it must have sounded like to him. I had denigrated his father and insulted him as a boy. I realized that I was not teaching him respect for himself, modeling an example of a loving wife and mother or building his self-esteem as a man. In fact, I had done quite the opposite.

As I thought more about it, I realized that the things I had said about men would be absolutely scandalous if it had been a man speaking about women. I would have been utterly outraged. With the rise of feminism and equal rights, women over the years have made great strides at commanding respect and being treated with dignity. But I wondered at how the pendulum has swung so that it was now so acceptable for women to speak of men in such derogatory terms and find it funny.

James E. Faust has said:

There are some voices in our society who would demean some of the attributes of masculinity. A few of these are women who mistakenly believe that they build their own feminine causes by tearing down the image of manhood. This has serious social overtones because a primary problem in the insecurity of sons and daughters can be the diminution of the role of the father image.

Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood.

In terms of giving fathers love and understanding, it should be remembered that fathers also have times of insecurity and doubt. Everyone knows fathers make mistakes—especially they themselves. Fathers need all the help they can get; mostly they need love, support, and understanding from their own. (James E. Faust, “The Father Who Cares,” Ensign, Sep 2006, 2–6)

The Doctrine and Covenants reminds us to “Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.” (D&C 25:14) I have found that as I try to find ways to be grateful for our differences that I am happier. I see more clearly that I need my husband’s manhood to balance out my womanhood. He has skills and talents and blessings that are gifts to our family and that are different from mine, but certainly not any less valuable. My husband always finds ways to tell our children about the beauty of womanhood and show them that they should respect me as their mother and as a woman. Now I find it very satisfying to look for ways to build up their father in their eyes and to give him deference and respect as a testimony of the high value that I place on manhood.

I have four sons who will be men someday. I want them to marry the kind of women who will love, respect, honor and serve them. That means that I need to be that kind of woman so they know what to look for when they are ready for marriage. Years from now when they have been happily married for most of their lives and have children of their own, I want them to look back on their own childhood and say, “We do not doubt our mother knew it.” (Alma 56:48)

You've already had your first fight. Now what?

My husband and I had taken a Celestial Marriage class at the Institute before we were married. One of the things that I remember from the class was certain prophets and church leaders who claimed never to have had an argument with their spouse. I wanted to be like that. I knew that we loved each other enough to be one of those couples.

I don’t really know why I thought that since we had already had arguments while we were dating and especially during the pressures of the engagement and planning the wedding. But that was our goal. And we came up with some ideas to avoid arguments. The first idea was that if we ever found ourselves on opposite sides of an issue, we would each argue the other person’s point. My husband might have been able to do that. But I was much to emotionally involved in my own ideas to be able to step back and rationally and objectively just debate a point from the other side of view. Maybe it’s just the estrogen. I really don’t know. But I was incapable of it.

And we had our first fight only a couple of weeks into our marriage. It was an important discussion about things of eternal worth, too. I’m pretty sure it was about whether Nike Air basketball shoes actually helped you jump better because of the air. I think my husband disagrees with me, though. But it was for sure about Nike shoes.

So suddenly, our goals for a perfect track record were shot to pieces within about two weeks all because of Nike! After my anger had cooled a little, I was really pretty devastated. What were going to do now? We had failed. We were doomed.

But we weren’t really. Ideally, of course, it’d be better if we could talk out disagreements with love and respect. But if you’ve already had your first fight (or two, or three) all is not lost. Here’s what I’ve learned in 15 years of marriage:

1. Sometimes decisions are made based on personal preference, not on any principle. For instance, he wants to go to Cancun for vacation and you want to go to Hawaii. It’s a good thing to put your spouse’s needs first and just do it their way. And usually, the more you show this kind of love, the more it is given back to you. So the spouse does likewise and you both end up happier by giving to the other person rather than thinking of yourself first.

2. Sometimes even if a principle is involved, your husband may just be right. Obviously, we usually believe we are right. If we thought we were wrong, we would change. But we are not perfect and we will not always be right. I try to keep this in my mind when an argument is beginning. He has just as much reason to believe he is right as I do. It helps me listen to him better. It helps me to be a little more willing to try things his way.

3. The fight is never worth the emotional damage that has to be cleaned up afterwards. When we first married, I could hold a grudge, let me tell you. I might get so upset that I wouldn’t even speak to my husband for days. But fighting always just makes me feel lonely afterwards. And even though I may be emotionally ready to “make-up” afterwards, he still may be hurting and needs time.

4. Apologizing is very important. In the beginning, I wanted to just be able to give my husband a kiss and a hug and have that make everything alright. But he usually needed more. He actually needed to talk about the argument. It was very hard for me to apologize for anything in the early days, probably mostly because I was still hanging onto the idea that “I was right!” What makes it easier for me now is remembering how he looked on the day we were married and how blessed I felt to be sealed to such a righteous son of God. I think of the way that Heavenly Father sees him and the kind of wife that I should be (whether I’m “right” or not). And usually I can apologize for my behavior or mean things I’ve said. But sometimes it takes time to get to that point and being in the middle of an argument might make it hard. Still, I can usually tell him that I’m at least sorry that we are fighting. He is much better at saying, “I don’t want to fight. Let’s just talk about this later.” Or if it’s something that needs to be discussed immediately, he might say, “I don’t want to have an argument about this. Can we stop and have a prayer before we continue discussing?”

Now, my husband and I look back on the early years of marriage and the arguments that we used to have and we can see the difference now. We argue much less frequently. The arguments are shorter lived before we nip them in the bud. And it doesn’t take as long to make up afterwards. So yeah, we still have moments where we fight. But it’s getting better. So we aren’t perfect in this area. There are lots of areas that we aren’t perfect in. In fact, I’d say there is nothing we are perfect about, not individually and not as a couple. But the purpose of being here on earth with a body is to gain experience (D&C 122:7) and have joy (2 Nephi 2:25). So we live and learn and in the meantime hopefully gain wisdom and love each other more deeply. We have found great joy and satisfaction in our marriage as we have humbled ourselves and included the Lord, seeking forgiveness and strength.

What are the things you've learned about avoiding arguments?

I remember the day I got married. My husband was so handsome and I knew that I could never love any one more than I loved him then and that it was so right to marry him. After our sealing ceremony in the temple, we parted ways to go change clothing. When I saw my husband next, he was waiting for me in the lobby of the temple talking to one of my former roommates. She told me later that he had been in the middle of saying something but that when I walked in the room he completely lost track of what he was saying and just stared at me. I felt like a princess in my own private fantasy.

My mother-in-law used to get frustrated with us in those early days, because my husband and I had to do everything together. I felt like I couldn’t really function without him. Even just the simple task of running an errand to get the electricity turned on in our new apartment needed the attention of both of us, not just one of us.

I remember going to church while I was pregnant with our first baby sometime that first year and he was sitting with his arm around me. I felt perfectly at peace with him. I looked around at some of the other couples in the chapel and how they were so far away from each other. I decided then and there that no matter what, my husband was going to always sit beside me with his arm around me in church. We weren’t going to be like those other couples who seemed to have forgotten something.

And then, of course, life happened. And suddenly we had three children 3 yrs old and younger in the pew with us in the chapel. The best seating arrangement with our new family size and children those ages was for the parents to divide and conquer! Suddenly I knew that more important than having my husband by my side with his arm around me was to be busy taking care of a child or two! With our growing family, that showed much more love than physical proximity did.

And it only got worse. One Spring break, my husband’s sister and her new husband came to visit us. They had only been married a few months. I found it amusing that they were constantly touching each other, had to be sitting next to each other. Meanwhile, even after the kids went to bed, my husband and I were still sitting on the opposite ends of the sofa.

As I’ve thought about this over time, I’ve come to realize that it takes time after you are married to become one flesh (Mark 10:8). In the beginning, the best expression of that is possibly through physical closeness. In the case of my me and my husband, the reason we had to run all of our errands together was because I didn’t know what he would want in any given situation. And he didn’t know if I had a preference. So until we really got to know each other at a deeper level, it was a way for us to show respect and deference and love to the other person to include them in even the most minor decisions.

As time has gone on, we know each other much more intimately and so I don’t have to ask his opinion all the time, because I know it. And then I can take that into consideration any time I need to make a decision without him. Sometimes we are physically close to each other (now that the kids aren’t all little and the big ones can help out) and sometimes not. But the emotional dependence and love is something that I can feel from him whether he’s across the room or across town. Sometimes I still prefer to sit on the other sofa when we are talking. Not because I wouldn’t like to be close to him, but just because I like to see the way he smiles while he’s talking.

The newlywed period is a wonderful time of discovery. I don’t usually find it amusing anymore to see the new couples as they figure it all out. I think it’s a sweet stage most couples go through. I think of all they have to look forward to when they get to the stage my husband and I are at. And then I look at the older couples around me and wonder how I am perceived and what I have yet to learn about marriage. It’s a wonderful journey and I can’t wait to find out. In the eternal scheme of things, I am still just a newlywed myself.

Ephesians 5

The word “submission” gets a bad rap in today’s “politically correct” society. We have a sense that no one should ever have to submit to anyone, that we are all created equal and that since no one is above or below another’s station, submission should never occur.

And let’s be clear. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints does not advocate that men should dominate over their wives in marriage. On the contrary, the proclamation on the family states, “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

Furthermore, President Spencer W. Kimball has said:

When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as a full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner.

In his talk, “The Women in Our Lives” President Gordon B. Hinckley affirms this idea.

Notwithstanding this preeminence given the creation of woman, she has so frequently through the ages been relegated to a secondary position. She has been put down. She has been denigrated. She has been enslaved. She has been abused. And yet some few of the greatest characters of scripture have been women of integrity, accomplishment, and faith…

Crossing through His life we have Mary and Martha, and Mary of Magdala. She it was who came to the tomb that first Easter morning. And to her, a woman, He first appeared as the resurrected Lord. Why is it that even though Jesus placed woman in a position of preeminence, so many men who profess His name fail to do so?

In His grand design, when God first created man, He created a duality of the sexes. The ennobling expression of that duality is found in marriage. One individual is complementary to the other. As Paul stated, “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Cor. 11:11)…

There are some men who, in a spirit of arrogance, think they are superior to women. They do not seem to realize that they would not exist but for the mother who gave them birth. When they assert their superiority they demean her. It has been said, “Man can not degrade woman without himself falling into degradation; he can not elevate her without at the same time elevating himself” (Alexander Walker, in Elbert Hubbard’s Scrap Book [1923], 204)….

How thankful I am, how thankful we all must be, for the women in our lives. God bless them. May His great love distill upon them and crown them with luster and beauty, grace and faith. And may His Spirit distill upon us as men and lead us ever to hold them in respect, in gratitude, giving encouragement, strength, nurture, and love, which is the very essence of the gospel of our Redeemer and Lord.

So if women are “equal partners” in a marriage, what does it mean to submit? First of all, submission can be a beautiful thing. Children submit to their parents out of love and respect. The Savior submitted to the will of the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane. A mother constantly submits to her children by serving them and taking care of their needs ahead of her own. This doesn’t mean that her children rule over her or are better than her. In fact, because of her submission, she elevates her own state.

Also, Ephesians 5:21 assures us that we are to submit to each other—the wives to the husbands and the husbands to the wives. That demonstrates the equality of the partnership. Additionally, the footnote in the LDS version of the King James Version of the Bible refers us to the topical guide for “Reconciliation”, indicating that this submitting to each other is really a process of unification.

One of the beautiful things about this submission is that we women are not being taught to submit to angry or abusive husbands, to their whims, to their selfish desires. We are being taught to submit to them the way the church submits to Christ. And for the men’s part, they are being taught to love and cherish their wives the way that Chris loved the church and gave himself for it, to love their wives as their own body and nurture her and cherish her. What woman wouldn’t want to yield herself to such a man?

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”