Women's Issues

Go on, admit it. Every mother’s been there. It’s what we do every single day of our lives. We are faced with this huge task of taking a totally dependent little bundle of joy from point A to point B (where they are a happy, productive adult member of society). Subconsciously, we just know we are failing. Subliminally, we recognize that we’re just making things more difficult for ourselves. Yet, we can’t seem to force ourselves to do things differently. We cling to the silliest things, and let go of some of the most practical. We secretly idolize our own mothers (whether we hate them or not) because they did manage to make it to point B, but we have no real idea how they did it. We openly fear exposure of our inadequacies and keep on going as if we know exactly where we are headed and what we are doing.

There is so much information available to us as mothers. Information that tells us: just what to expect, when to expect it, where to take our children on vacation, why we shouldn’t feed them red dyes, reasons to co-sleep and reasons not to co-sleep. We are completely informed, and completely helpless. Surely, we can’t be considered good mothers if we aren’t reading to our children for at least 30 minutes every day, or let our 1-year-old watch television while we take a shower. Shall I continue?

For my own part, I think I have figured out at least one thing. It’s all about love. I love my children so much that I’m almost desperate to make sure I don’t inadvertently mess up their entire lives. The key is that love. I need to remember that love, stuff, activities and bedtime stories are different. Maybe all I really need to get to point B is simply love. Love the way my child understands it, rather than the way I think they should understand it.

Perhaps the places we need to look are really simplistic in nature.

James E. Faust gives some beautiful advice for mothers. His advice?

“May I suggest that you take your challenges one day at a time. Do the best you can. Look at everything through the lens of eternity. If you will do this, life will take on a different perspective.”

James E. Faust, “Instruments in the Hands of God,” Ensign, Nov 2005, 114

Then, we can get a little more specific.

“It is my prayer that the Spirit will burn within you, that you will have a greater desire to strengthen your family now and prepare for your future family. The scriptures are filled with ways to teach us how to strengthen our families. There is no greater teacher than the Savior. As you study His teachings and follow His example, you can make your family life better. Let’s talk about three principles that will help you strengthen your home and family:

• Nurturing
• Sacrifice
• Prayer

To nurture means to support each other, to encourage each other, to nourish and love each other. Are we doing this in our families?

The Savior Himself taught us to nurture. Many times He said, “How oft have I gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and have nourished you” (3 Ne. 10:4).

The Savior is so proud of you. He knows what you’re going through. He understands how hard it is for you to make sacrifices. The Savior taught us to sacrifice. He sacrificed His life for all mankind.

As you help strengthen your family, prayer must be a consistent, daily part of your life. Prayer will protect you from the adversary, give you peace, and help your families love each other more.

How can you use prayer to strengthen your family? Because Heavenly Father loves you so, He wants you to talk to Him. Whatever struggles you may have, you can pray about anything. . .

Pray over problems that worry you! Don’t give up. Heavenly Father can and will answer your prayers. I have had many prayers that have been answered. I also have prayers that have not been answered yet. Our prayers will be answered in the Lord’s time when we are ready.”

Carol B. Thomas, “Strengthen Home and Family,” Ensign, May 2002, 94

A mother’s love is desperate and eternal. We face such a great challenge trying to raise our children up to their full potential. It’s often overwhelming and sometimes discouraging, but you are not left alone. Look to the simplest part of your love, the core at the very center of your heart that mirror’s God’s own love for you. Draw from the strength that can give and focus on the basics.

Take it one day at a time, with:
Faith
Nurturing
Sacrifice, and
Prayer

There are so many demands on a woman’s time. We live in an age which has taught us that women can be anything that they want. Quite honestly, it’s instilled another belief as well. Not only do women feel more empowered to be anything they had somehow gotten the notion that means they need to “be” everything. Somehow, in the process of empowering women to their natural abilities to excel and come off conqueror in any battle they might find themselves in, we have managed to back ourselves into a corner fighting more battles than anyone could win on their own.

It comes back down to the basics. The part of the “be anything” philosophy that gets conveniently over looked is making conscious choices. Instead of anything we want, our ideas become morphed into anything everyone around us needs, plus what we want. Yes, women are amazing creatures. We do have almost unlimited capacities for good, but we also have almost unlimited capacities of other God-given attributes: nurturing, compassion, care, protection, love and many other beautiful parts of our nature. These serve a distinct purpose. They allow women to almost instantly develop an attachment to a child, even before it is born, and to see the needs of those weaker around us and be compelled to help and nurture. The down side is, at the same time these attributes work in our favor, they also work against us. This is where the feelings of inadequacy and failures stem. Though these are not God-given emotions, Satan uses the things we value most (our feminine, caring natures) to tell us we are lacking.

We take that “be anything” philosophy and combine it with our desires to be anything our family, spouse, children, or friends needs us to be at any given time. We take our desires to the extreme, seeing it as a personal failure when those we love face sorrow or challenges we feel we should have been able to protect them from or nurture them through. We morph “be anything” into “be everything and be the best at it” because that is what we perceive the world is asking of us.

This is how Satan uses our righteous desires against us. “Be everything” is not what the Lord asks of us. His desires for the women of the world are very clear and simple.

First and foremost is simply His plea: Come Unto Me. His desire is for us to develop our spiritual nature and draw closer to Him in everything that we do.
Next: Develop your talents and love for life.
Plus, when possible: Develop a gospel-centered marriage and nurture children.

It is understood that in trying your best in these areas (not to be the best, but to be your best) can come with some monumental tasks. There are many women who have no choice to put on the additional hat of wage earner, or caretaker for both aging parents and small children. The challenges of this life are huge. But God would have you understand that He understands and will help you, if you let Him.

I think of the story of Mary and Martha. I see both women as beautiful examples of the daughters of God trying their best. One saw a need for food and nurturing for the Lord she loved dearly. The other loved just as deeply but ignored the physical tasks of caring for Him in order to have a chance to sit at the Master’s feet. Neither woman’s activities were necessarily wrong, but when Martha complained about Mary’s lack of involvement, the Master kindly reminded her of the needful thing, and an ability to choose the good part. He recognized Martha’s tendency to be “careful and troubled about many things” and kindly reminded her that she could not be everything all at once. It’s a matter of choice where we are required to choose the good part, or the part that will have the most lasting effect for us, and those around us.

There is a little bit of Mary and Martha in each woman. Even so, the Savior would have us remember to choose wisely. He asks us first to come to know Him, then to come to know ourselves, then to reach out and touch the lives of others. These tasks can very rarely come out of order. Perhaps Martha’s expectations for what her Lord and Master needed for a meal were far greater than the actual need. Perhaps Mary could have been a little more attentive to her sister’s goals and desires and helped her so that there was time for both to hear the gospel. Perhaps Martha should have chucked the housework altogether that day.

With the Lord’s guiding hand, it is up to each of us to decide. It may be that some things should drop out of our lives completely, others may need to be placed on hold, something else may need to be brought in, and still others may need to be weighed on a daily basis. In any case, He does not want us to become so weighed down with those things that we feel we need to do that we lose our joy for the things that really matter.

Nowhere has He ever said, “Thou Shalt be Super Woman or you’ll never be good enough.” He has promised us that He will help carry our burdens, that He will help us choose the good part, that He will remind us not to run faster than we have strength. All He asks in return is that we first, come unto Him.

The influence of the Relief Society in my life is unmistakable. The Relief Society is the women’s organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or the Mormon faith as it is sometimes known. Today, I’d like to share a few things that the women of the Relief Society have taught me. These lessons continue to bless my life and that of my husband and children.

Lessons on Faith.
Women of the Relief Society are extraordinary women of faith. I’ve heard the women of the Relief Society described as extraordinary women. Not perfect, but extraordinary! I like that description. Let me rephrase that – I love that description. The history of the Relief Society is a testament to the incredible faith of the women of the Church.

Last year, our family got to spend a couple of days in Nauvoo. There is a special feeling of peace and tranquility about Nauvoo. There is something about Nauvoo that touches the heart and soul.

During our last evening there, all five of us, my husband and I and our three sons, walked the Trail of Tears or the Trail of Hope as it has been renamed. We followed it all the way down to the banks of the Mississippi River. This was the same path that the Saints of Nauvoo walked during those last days when they had to leave Nauvoo to make yet another start somewhere else. We know that eventually some of them arrived in Salt Lake City. We also know that many that left Nauvoo perished along the way.

As we walked, I saw in my mind’s eye the hundreds of mothers that walked down that road in those days. I could almost feel the fear they must have felt. I imagined the many concerns they must have known as they loaded those wagons with the few belongings that they were able to take with them. Their minds must have been swirling with so many unanswered questions; “What if my child gets sick, what will we eat when the small supply we have runs out, where will we live?”

In my mother heart, I know these mothers must have been frightened and scared for their families. I’m sure they shed tears, buckets and buckets of tears. Yet, even with all their fears and weaknesses, their faith in the Lord was stronger. Even with the regret they must have felt at leaving yet another home, they walked, step by agonizing step, because that was what their Lord required of them. These were ordinary women with very real concerns and weaknesses. Yet, their faith and obedience to the Lord makes them extraordinary women in my eyes. My faith is strengthened when I remember these sisters of the Relief Society.

Lessons on Motherhood
Sis. Sheri Dew, former counselor in the Relief Society general presidency asked, “Are we not all mothers?’’ Sis. Dew reminded all of us, whether we’ve conceived and borne children or not, that we are all mothers. She said,

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don't show them the virtue of our virtues?

My mother is my greatest role model when it comes to motherhood. But there were many other mother figures in my life, women of the Relief Society who also taught me through their examples and love.

Much of my young life was spent in the small village of Vaiola on the island of Savaii in Samoa. This village, Vaiola, is one of three places that were settled by members of the Church in Samoa. Growing up in a small village on a tropical island was ideal in many respects. As children, the whole village was our playground. We could go anywhere in the village and know that we were safe. We were watched over and fed by other village families as if we were one of their own. Meals usually weren’t much and they were never fancy but we were always welcomed to whatever was available. As ideal as this life sounds, it also had many hardships. People lived pretty much off the land which meant they raised and grew everything they needed. Roads were unpaved, and electricity had yet to come to that part of the island. Washing machines, dryers, and electric irons were luxuries that many villagers had heard about, but had never seen. At least, not then.

As a young girl, I observed the women of Vaiola on Saturdays, hand-washing piles and piles of clothes. Next, the clothes would be hung up to dry. Finally, those that would be worn to Church the next day were separated and ironed. Now when I say ironed, most of us think about the electric iron we have sitting in the closet. This was not the iron the women of Vaiola used in those days. Instead, they used the precursor to the electric iron – the coal iron. First, the charcoal had to be lit until it was red hot, then the charcoal was carefully loaded into the iron and finally, the ironing could begin. One had to work quickly before the charcoal burnt out completely.

So what lessons about motherhood did I learn from these mothers? Other than being grateful for electric irons, what else did these women teach me about motherhood? They taught me that the care that we take in our dress and appearance is an outward expression of the respect and love for the Lord. Their preparations for the Sabbath left a lasting impression on me. I’m sure they’d rather have taken it easy on Saturdays. Instead, they washed, ironed, and made sure our clothing was not only modest but neat. Their preparations on Saturday left no doubt in my mind that Sunday was special. Their examples taught me at an early age that the Savior that we worship and remember was worthy of our highest respect and devotion.

Motherhood comes with many blessings and responsibilities. One of the greatest responsibilities that we have is to be an example to all of God’s children. The women of my youth taught me that as women, we really are mothers to all. These women of Vaiola helped to teach and lead a rising generation.

Lessons about Sisterhood.
This one word represents the very best of Relief Society. To me, a sisterhood evokes a group of sisters that stand for common ideals and beliefs. A sisterhood cares, values, and needs the contribution of each individual. The term sisterhood evokes love and charity. It evokes acceptance not judgment. It evokes patience and unselfishness. In a true sisterhood, each sister is important and a necessary part of the whole. Each sister is both a giver and a receiver. A sisterhood shares commonalities but each sister is also recognized for her own unique talent, personality, and challenges. A sisterhood is one that values both our similarities and our differences.

As sisters in the Relief Society, we have many common goals. The Relief Society declaration and Relief Society objectives lists some of the goals. If I were to combine all those goals in one statement, I’d say that our common goal in Relief Society is to empower each sister, no matter where she is in her own individual journey, so that she can become the woman God meant for her to be.

During this last General Conference, a number of talks touched on diversity and differences. One of my favorite quotes on this subject comes from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He said;

The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.
This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children.

Isn’t that a beautiful quote? We are all a little different, yet each of us is special and adds to the richness and the beauty of the whole. We are all different but we are united in our love of the Savior, our love for the individual, and our love for families. The fact that the Relief Society can bring together so many women of such diverse backgrounds, talents, and personalities speaks to the wonderful spirit of sisterhood that exists in this wonderful organization.

I know something about living in a part-member family. Actually, I know a lot about it!

If you've been a reader of this blog for some time, then you know that my husband is a convert. He didn't become an official member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (informally known as the Mormon Church) until several years into our marriage. He was a permanent visitor for a long time before then and those of you in part-member marriages know what that means.

There are many strong women in the Church that are married to men who aren't members of our faith. There are several in my ward alone. It is partly because of many conversations with them that I'm writing this today. As sisters in the gospel, they reached out to me knowing that I understood what they are going through. I hope that by sharing this today, I can help someone else in a similar situation.

Sisters, whatever you do, keep the faith! Know that you are not alone. There are many of us who are or were in your shoes. We understand the unique challenges you face. Whether you are newly married or have already been married for a number of years, keep the faith. By saying this, I'm making several assumptions that I hope apply in your situation as they did in mine.

I'm assuming that you are in a loving, nurturing, and respectful marriage. I'm assuming that you are dedicated to each other and to your children if you have any. I'm assuming that your spouse is open to the Spirit. My husband was and is a very spiritual man. He was raised in a family that believed in God.

My sisters, if this describes your relationship, then please, keep the faith. This wonderful man that you've chosen has to discover for himself if what you believe is true. Testimonies and true conversions come about differently for everyone. Some know it immediately after the seed of the gospel is planted while others take a little longer. True conversion is an intense and personal experience. Because it is so personal, it cannot be forced, and it may take longer than we'd like. We cannot force, but we can influence.

The best way to do that is to live our lives so that we can be shining examples of the gospel of Jesus Christ. This means keeping our covenants even when it may seem difficult to do so at times. A good example is keeping the Word of Wisdom. Teach the gospel at home to your children. If you aren't able to attend Church as often as you'd like, sing hymns and Primary songs at home. Hold daily family prayers and Family Home Evenings. Read the Scriptures. Expose your children to the people of the Book of Mormon and the Bible. Go as often as you can to the temple. Take your family to your Ward's (local Church unit) activities. There is no end to what you can do at home to foster the spirit of the gospel in the hearts of your children and your husband. Your examples of faith and adherence to the covenants that you've made will have an impact in your family.

President Thomas S. Monson (our living Prophet and President) shared a story of a woman he met in Australia. When he met them for the first time, this faithful woman, her nonmember husband, and two children lived in a small mining town. The sister and her two children were the only members of the Church in this town. There were no LDS meetinghouses close by so this sister taught Primary lessons at home to her children. Years later, on another visit to Australia, President Monson mentioned this family in a priesthood session. He shared a fond wish to someday learn how that home Primary went. He also mentioned how he'd love to meet the nonmember husband and father of this choice family. One of the men in the meeting stood up and said, “Brother Monson, I know Richard Louden, the husband of that good woman and father of those precious children. Prayer and Primary brought him into the Church.”

My dear sisters, do not give up hope. Do not lose the faith. Reach out to us, your sisters in Relief Society, whenever you need to. Let us know how we can help you. Your visiting teachers can be a great blessing in your life today. Fast and pray often. Ask those who are close to you to do the same. I know that my parents prayed and fasted unceasingly for my family. The influence of good friends and loving relationships in the gospel are also important.

Respect your husband and be patient with him. Love and honor him as he loves and honors you. If you are doing everything you need to, then leave the rest to God.

Here's a link to an excellent article about part-member families.

When Your Spouse Isn't a Member